Howling winds of change...

Greetings,

As I sit here and type this message, I can hear the winds howling outside. I feel protected and warm in my sanctuary and am ever thankful for the place I call home. Tomorrow I face what may be one of the biggest changes in a long time. I am anxious and think I may be breaking out in hives as a result, but know that it is time to face the music.

In my Goddess seminar, I often talk to women about the importance of "deal breakers". Everyone has a point, where once crossed, things change forever. Unfortunately, we often don't establish those within ourselves until faced with them. Women in particular have a natural capacity to love and if not forgive, accept all sorts of hurtful and harmful behavior from others. This capacity allows for abuse in relationships, low self-esteem, fear and the all pervasive doubt and despair. In the end by not establishing deal breakers, we don't know when it's time to walk away from a dysfunctional situation.

When we know what we will not tolerate and what the parameters for forgiveness are, we are able to create honest relationships. Let's face it, we are human and as such, will all make mistakes. No one is perfect and that is just the way it is. But, when mistakes are made, how we choose to deal with them, determines for me at least, where the deal breaker line is made. The key to deal breakers is that you first have to take responsibility for the role you may have played in the conflict. Once you have established this and made amends, then you assess what else needs to be done. The key, is starting with self. Even if you were the "victim" of bad behavior or discourteous treatment (please keep in mind, I am talking about wars, acts of genocides, or other malicious or random acts of violence and/or abuse), you still need to start with self.

In my other life, I work with artists and part of my approach is getting them to see themselves as valuable and relevant. Most artists are talented, but work from a place of fear. Very few are confident in their abilities and I think that it's largely due to the fact that as a society, "artists" are so prevalent that there is no respect for the craft any longer. Everyone thinks they are a poet, or a singer or a producer, when what we are often dealing with are people who are technologically capable and feel entitled by that technology to say whatever they want. I can't knock it, but as a manager, I have to understand how that might be intimidating and wear on a client. In any case, I am constantly cheer leading and trying to get my clients (some of them) to see what I see-confident and relevant people with something to say. A long-time friend and client did something that for me crossed into the area of "deal breakers" and in processing things I see where I was at fault and understand why I still have so much anger.

In this current situation, I saw success in pairing an up and coming client with a non-producing one. I have to say, in my opinion they are both immensely talented individuals and could really learn a great deal from each other, but alas, confidence, or lack there of, always throws off the best of plans. In short, a gig booked two months in advance was thwarted when one of the clients decided to pull out citing "not being needed" because of the inclusion additional instrumentation. The whys and whats are not as important as the fact that said client 1) agreed to participate and 2) demanded the title of music director or band leader because as it was stated the band would have to "lock into me". The decision to add instrumentation, was solely based on a meeting earlier in the week, where said client in acknowledging things were not ready, took no responsibility and made no guarantees that things would be ready in time for the last rehearsal. The previous rehearsals had been completely non-productive and shit to be quite honest, so that a rehearsal the day before the show was necessary. Even worse, in ditching the band four days before the show, this client not only left as a part of the band, but also as a leader. So four days before the show and a day before a major holiday, there is no show, just a bunch of emails back and forth and pressure to make this work in spite of it all.

Since the fiasco, I have been left with a very sick feeling that this person is no longer the person I thought them to be. What's worse is the behavior since the said incident, which has been at best indignant and egotistical. It took me awhile to pinpoint it, but I finally realize that the deal breaker in this case is a lack of honor.

There were 2-3 mitigating circumstances that have since been cited as reasons for the departure, but none of them are strong justifications for the 'back door" exit. The sad part is that 2 of the 3 sole-called reasons were in place when said artist agreed to participate and the third albeit a family issue, was of no concern initially, but became an additional reason after having assessed my role, I apologized for having them work together in the beginning.

It is hard sometimes to forgive in the midst of anger and I usually recommend a cooling off period before trying to sort through the muck. However, it has been almost three weeks since the offending incident and I find that I can't shake the anger. I also find that I can't see this as anything, but a deal breaker.

The resaon why self-assessment is important in the deal breaker arena is because sometimes,, especially with people that you are close to, you find that they have been offending for quite sometime. The only difference is that now you are the target or victim, instead of someone else. In reviewing our relationship, this behavior, though a gross example of unprofessionalism, is unfortunately in line with what I have witnessed when said artist has been presented with similar conflicts in other aspects of their lives. Unfortunately, this is a person that does not make decisions until forced. This is a person that will allow things to get so out of control that the decision has to be made by others or in doing nothing, a worse outcome presents itself. I have witnessed this and called them on it several times, but because it didn't affect me personally, I didn't see it as a deal breaker.

The sad part is that in realizing all of this, I find that outside of a really talented soul, I don't lose much of anything by their departure. The talent is there, but there is no heart, which is very necessary for what we do. As a friend, it started off well enough, but even by their own admission, they aren't really good at that either. In this space I understand that to not stand by my deal breakers, I am just as dishonorable as that client. In a way, I am more dishonorable. We all have to pay for what we do and what energies we put out into the universe. I cannot stay angry, because ultimately that energy is returned three fold.

I can accept that a line has been crossed and state what it will take to get back on track, but I cannot accept or condone any action that offends me so much to be considered a deal breaker. So, as I close I feel a sense of accomplishment and sadness. I know what I have to do tomorrow and that in doing so, I claim for myself dignity and honor in saying "I will not accept this". I also know that there is a chance that someone that has been part of my life for some time, may not be able to accept my terms and may walk away forever.

In the end I love myself too much not to demand satisfaction, so the deal breakers will have to stay. With them firmly in place, I am able to better protect myself and those around me. To cross the line, is to trigger a deep knowing that things are amiss and off-center. We all need deal breakers because while they may cause short-term anger and anxiety, they often stave off long-term dysfunction that ultimately tears at the soul and leaves it fragmented. You can love people, but some not so close, deal breakers allow us to love from a distance and maintain or self-love and respect. Ultimately, for me, those two are far more precious.

Until next time,

IA